


The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Gap Filler, Points of View, Season/Series 03, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-15
Updated: 2005-03-15
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:19:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Kind of a sequel to "Waiting to exhale". After Rage party, Justin leaves Brian. Brian falls apart - part deux.





	The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Author's notes: Many, many thanks to my most wonderful beta Kat. Hon, I just have no words. You are simply the best. *g* Lyrics at the beginning are from the song "Wrapped around your finger" by Tori Amos. And I wanted to thank everyone who left feedback on the first part. I can't be more thankful for it, even if I tried. It is always very, very deeply appreciated. Finally, beware, there is a whole lot of 308 dialogue in the fic.  
P.S. dphysh, thank you million times for the feedback on this fic. I had to move it, so this is my way of showing apprecation. Thank you, thank you, thank you! :) 

 

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_...I'll be wrapped around your finger...  
...And you'll be wrapped around my finger..._

 

**Part 1**

 

When you woke up this morning, you had no fucking idea what life had in store for you. 

You took your sweet time to push the outside world away, just like you did for the last two months. Since he...well, left you. So many days you spent wanting to forget that smile, so many nights you tried to drown in the rivers of beam and tricks. You just trudged through each day like a man condemned, desperately wishing to forget how much you miss him. It didn't work. Not that you were that surprised. Just damn hopeful.

That paralysing, yet known pain inside of you, so numb and scary... Nope, this morning you had no idea.

So, like any other day, you got latte from the diner, along with the special of the day - Deb's remarks, which weren't exactly hateful. Maybe even quite the opposite. It left you unbalanced for few moments. Then she hit you over the head and you smiled. Despite everything, your love for her is really something else. You forget sometimes that the feeling is mutual. 

Even before you arrived at Vanguard, you felt tired. So damn bone tired, that you wished you had stayed home, safely tucked away under that blue duvet you once shared with him. Last thing you expected, when you were introduced to your new intern, was to see blue eyes. The same blue eyes that haunted your every dream since the beginning of time, it seems. _No fucking idea_.

The onslaught of contradicting emotions was so strong, that you were afraid that your heart would stop out of sheer surprise or that the fear would paralyse you. Whichever hit you first. Then he shook your hand and smiled. And, in your gut, you thought you _had_ died and moved closer to heaven. Still, your face showed next to nothing, while he blatantly stared you down. What the HELL was going on here?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“I was going to tell you.”

“When?”

“After I got the job.” Well. You can't help but think along the lines of ‘Why the fuck me?’ and just know you are step away from becoming an asshole to any unsuspecting passer-by’s. Or even worse, panicking. And here you thought you didn't have it in you. OK, so you realize you are not handling this situation as well as you should have. Alright! Fuck! You are acting like a complete twat! Talking to yourself here and shit...But, who can blame you, really?

And Justin keeps on blabbing on. Aha, practice...OK, degree requirements...Vanguard, the best place for it? Suddenly, you have an inexplicable need to push him out the door right this second. But, you just force yourself to stay on this side of your desk, deciding fear is so not your friend.

“There are other agencies, where I don't work.” Oh, yeah, that there IS the desperate tone in your voice, which you hope he won't pick up on. Still, your face does its best to keep some kind of imitation of a smile on your lips.

“I'll make important contacts. I'll learn things I wouldn't learn in classroom.” God, he really is like a bulldog with a bone. Fucking Taylors!

“Learn them some place else.” Not here. Please...

“That's not fair! I was accepted based solely on my merit. Nothing to do with you. I thought you'd be pleased!”

“To see your face every day?” Fuck you, Justin! _FUCK you!_

“I didn't think our former relationship was still a problem for you.” OK, where is a wise-ass crack, when you need one...So, you improvise.

“What problem? And whoever said we were ever in a relationship?” Good one, Kinney. Lay that shit **real** thick!

“Then I don't see why you would object of me completing my education, which you're paying for.” Alarm goes off in your head. _The shit has hit the fan! Repeating...The shit has fucking hit the fan!_ Now you only have to start humming the Powerpuff girls theme song to feel like a _total_ idiot. Not that it takes much for you these days. And why exactly isn't your brain working at the moment?

“Just don't expect any special treatment.” Well, now that you mention it... Like that is even possible. Still, you decide you just don't care for any of this, or him. You _don't_!

“I never have.” Damn it! Shit has definitely hit the fan. And it will leave a mark like a motherfucker!

*~*~*~*~*~*

“Hey Brian...” You bite your tongue.

“It's Mr. Kinney. Where is everyone?” Fucking headache...

“They're at lunch.” Which makes you sometimes wonder are you the only one actually working in this damn place. Looking around, it seems you aren't off the mark much.

“Can I help?”

“Can _you_ help?” You sigh.

“Tell them I want one cell per board 20x30, in black foam core, and...century font 16, no, make that 20.” Looking up at him, you can't help but sigh again.

“Gonna write that down?” Christ, seeing him paging nonchalantly through that damn magazine makes you wanna throttle him. And not in a life-affirming way for once.

“One cell per board, 20x30, black foam core, century font 16, no, make that 20.” You begin to wonder how on Earth could you ever forget anything about this side of Justin. And you really hate to admit it, even to yourself, but you miss it. Miss _him_. Like hell.

“So, how's it going, Taylor?”

“Good. And I already learned more than I would in entire semester at school.”

“That's great.” A smirk in its rightful place. Good one... Get bitchy! That will show him just how much you _don't_ care. And while you're at it, why don't you just fuck right in front of him the next guy that comes your way... After all, isn't that exactly how you overcame all your previous frustrations? Fuck, you don't even believe half of your own bull any more! Actually, when you think back on the night he became a dreamy-eyed schoolboy, you realize your words were as dishonest then, as your thoughts are now.

“Everyone's been extremely nice. Actually, that says a lot about you.” You **don’t** care!

“Really?” You are so damn easy, Kinney. Always have been. But, then again, he was, right from the start, whether you want to admit it or not, your softest spot.

“Yes. They say a tone of work place is established from the top. So, it’s a compliment to you that you have such dedicated and hardworking staff.” Well, what can you say to something like that? Damn it!

“Maybe I was a little hard on you, Taylor. Now, get back to work!”

“Yes, Mr. Kinney.” Little fucker! So, you ask yourself how many times must you say ‘I don't care’ today to start believing it. Or is that even possible at a time like this. Or any time, for that matter. You only know that when you woke up this morning, you had no fucking idea. What kind of sucker does that make you?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Later that same day_

As if your entire world hasn't tilted on its axis, you watch his face in your mind's eye. It has only been perhaps two, three hours, but you can still feel him so fucking close. His breath caressing your cheek for a split moment...a moment it takes to lose yourself completely in his eyes.

Of course, you knew it was coming, even from 100 miles away, running straight at you. A force that struck you down to your knees, the very millisecond he mashed your lips together. You thought your heart would jump right out of your chest. It was beating so hard and loud, you felt it would deafen you both before the kiss was over. And still, you wanted it to last forever. Two of you joined at the mouth, breathing the same air for all eternity. It sounded like a fucking paradise! Even to someone as jaded as you. 

Like your own well-kept secret away from the rest of the world. One little secret you so desperately wanted to share just with him, but feared it with a strength of thousand suns, as simmering as his touch was just hours ago. Scorching your skin so deliciously, imprinting himself on you all over again. Yes, you knew it all. And still, you felt like a deer in front of the fricking headlights. 

Both hands trembling and nervous as hell... Like a young boy on his first date. A boy you never really were. And then... he was gone. Leaving you with such ache in the pit of your stomach, you couldn't comprehend it. Didn't want to.

You just want his lips back on yours...His hands palming your cheek. And to never let him go. It's that simple.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_8:58 pm_

Time is slowly ticking away, as you put finishing touches on the Eyeconics campaign. Checking your watch, you realize how late really is. Almost time to head home. Still, as tired as you are, the thought of sleeping alone in your bed tonight doesn't somehow excite you. Your past and future are slamming against each other now in your brain, pulling Justin along for the ride, it seems. And you just gotta laugh at yourself, because you really thought it's gonna be safe sailing from now on. Yeah, like anything in your life was ever easy... But, did you really want it to be? Honestly? Because, you are aware that the moment Justin Taylor entered your life, things were far away from easy. So far away, you really liked it. Shit! Why exactly are you having this conversation with yourself, again? 

You hear a knock... look up. He is standing there. All blond and beautiful. Close enough for you to keep drowning in his presence till the end of time. And you do. Over and over again. 

“I gave it some thought and decided you should take me back.” You don't really know how to react. Feeling pulled in so many different directions, you just sit there, lost in space and time.

“Oh?” And now it's obvious, even to you, why your personal credo is _‘little less conversation, little more action’_. You suck on so many levels at talking like a grown up, it isn't even funny. Well, at least while talking to Justin. A 14-year old boy still hiding somewhere in the crevices of a 31-year old man. With a 19-year old ex. Christ... You think one of these days you should write a book about everything. It could be hilarious and perhaps a smidge tragic. If, in fact, it wasn't about your life. But, you'll deal. You are finally starting to believe, that it's all worth the effort. _He_ is worth it all. He always has been. You were just being stupid. And headstrong as a mule. As usual. Which makes you wonder why exactly is that such surprise to anyone anymore.

“Even though I've made a few mistakes, I think you'd be making an even bigger one not to give me a second chance.”

“I see.” And you guess that he believes you are worth it too.

“Cause now I understand what it is you want of me. And I know what I can expect from you.” In the back of your mind, you're trying to remember if you have you been this nervous first time you had him in your arms. Probably not, you conclude. You didn't know him then. Not like you do now.

“You also understand you'll be required to work long, hard hours – sometimes deep into the night?” You are starting to feel so high on him. Is this what you think it is?

“It would be a pleasure to work under you...Sir.” God... If you gripped edge of your desk any harder, it would come off in your hands.

“And you're never to play violin in my presence again.” Ever again. 

This **is** it. It's about to go down, one way or another. And you can't wait for it. You absolutely ache for it. Him.

“I promise.” Can it work this time? Are you prepared for it? Well, as prepared as anyone can be for someone like Justin Taylor.

“Well, then...you can start immediately.” Your eyes meet. Connection between you two coming back to life, sizzling and heady. Across the room, he closes the door.

Yes, you are more then ready for it. In that moment, for once, you are sure of it.

He walks in a slow motion toward you, a smile lightning up blue eyes. Pulling you right under his spell without even trying, a grin finding its permanent home on your lips.

Your mouths touch. Softly. And you move and touch his warm skin, like in a dream. A dream you've been having for some time now. Your fingers keep tracing his collarbone slowly, a sigh suspended in your lungs, marking you from inside out. You inhale it all in, revelling in the feel of him. His laugh rings in your ears, making you laugh along with him. Somehow, everything else around you turns into white noise. And just two of you exist in the here and now. Moving to the music only you can hear. Is this what you have been fearing and at the same time expecting with every living cell of your body? You sigh. It is. In a sense, you knew the script, you recognized most of the lines. This is, thank God, your life. And the touch of his tongue, the graze of his fingertips, the movement of his hips against yours is all you want to feel on your body at this perfect moment.

A small moan escapes him. And a blond body of joy stretches on your desk, an open invitation into sin. You lick your lips...his lips...fingers searching and finding. Unable to stop kissing him, once and again. Then, you're sinking into him, stretching him, moulding him to fit you. Moulding yourself to fit him. Slick bodies keep sliding against each other, in a craze of passion, following a rhythm both of you know so well. His whimpers ricocheting their way through you, making you heart pound that much faster, while your moans seem to give his movements a desperate and needy edge. Just like it always has been. Finally pushing you both over the edge. A leap of faith for both of you...

Justin Taylor has you wrapped around his finger, just like you have him wrapped around yours. More than deserving of each other, you admit in the aftermath. 

So, at the end of the day, last two months are something you wish you could forget. But, deep down, you know you won't and maybe that is how it's supposed to be. Forever remembering how you felt without him in your life. Realizing you **can** live without the twat, but knowing you really don't want to.

You have been fighting for air since he left, making you lose your sense of self, your inner confidence. Leaving a residue, a mark of himself all over you. But, pushing inside of him once again made you lose the ground beneath your feet, and sky above your head, leaving you suspended in air. You loved every second of it. You know there can be no guaranties for this thing you two have. And although you said the same lines to Justin back then, it's safe to assume you never really believed it yourself. But, you see it now, finally. No one can tell you it will work out, and in the future, you just might find yourself fighting for breath once more. Still, no matter how hard it may seem at the time, the trick is to keep breathing.

Just... _keep breathing_.


End file.
